~~~ Again and again, you have thought about these things.
What about if you hurt someone who are very dear to you, someone you love.
What about if you can't stand the idea to live without the very same person and you have already done the massive mistake.
What about if the idea of hurting, hurting you so deep inside, that your mind won't never been the same again.
What if the same mistake burning your heart and thoughts and won't go ever away.
What if you miss all those days. Moments after moments when you finally felt safe and free.
What if your memory again and again just keeps reminding you about that beautiful time.
You want to remember and then just forget. What if your thoughts are like poison to your mind and you hate it.
"i don't wanna forget, but i don't wanna remember... so difficult to understand. No-one won't understand.
Many little prayers every night for you, that you would be just ok. You are one of the best things what have ever happend to me.
Thank you... i'm so sorry.. and i miss you.. all what i can say.."
What if you scare. Scare to go sleep at nights.
What if you scare awakening to the next moring. Awakening to the same pain like you always do.
What if the pain you so hardly try to suffocateing, just grows and grows inside of you.
What if it grows so fast that your mind finally don't have a chance to catch it no longer. What you can do when that happen. What you can do when it really happens.
Even single thought terrifying you that tiers start to fall.
What if you like someone. Someone, you have knew for long time. What if you like someone so much that you can't fully understad it even yourself.
You like someone, just unknowing precisely the reason.
Or then you know and then you lost it again. What is the trick. Confuseing.
What if you have tried to shaked and beaten yourself only to forget, you just can't do it. But deep down in your heart, you really don't even want to.
What if you think you have screwed up a big time, like thousand times before. What if you scare that, that was it.
What if you don't have a glue what to do with these new feelings of yours.
What if it's so difficult to talk about things like this already.
What if all the hopeing and wishing just somehow feels weird and odd. Cause you know something, which keeping you two apart.
You keep thinking why you got this kind of feelings. Or then you just haven't ever learned how to deal with them right.
What if there is one little miracle. One little miracle which makes you feel important.
Something you thought you ever got opportunity to be or have. And every time you saw this miracle all you can do is almost cry.
How you worry all the time what if you can not see this miracle even once more and what if something happen.
Even more worries, but like always when you love something or someone isn't it.
The love, the care, the tears. All just for this little miracle.
What if there is one thing what you have love the most. Only thing you know you can do well.
One dream you have always had through your whole life.
What if your only dream has turned upside down and now the same thing which ones kept you in the right way, just keeps tearing your heart in tiny worthless pieces.
What if it would came true some day. What if it won't. The words spin around in your head and are unable to stop.
What if the thing which once made you feel so alive now killing and eating you alive slowly and painfully like a parasite.
What if the idea about you screwing everything up all over again, just scares you the most.
All that scare tranforming to insane panicing.
What if you just keep trying and suddenly all your strenghts are gone.Vanished like dust in the wind.
What if you keep askig why and when, it's time to me to go. Why it haven't been earlier. Why it haven't been earlier.
What if you have started to scare your thoughts and yourself.
Is there anything you can do to make this all stop. Is there anything which can slow this down even a little.
What if all of this is just pointless trying. What if all this hard workig have been only some kind of dirty trick someone has made up.
Where you can get those last strenghts to make the last deep breaths. Where you can buy little more time to make everything right again and fix all.
Is time really something you can not buy.
Only thing you want to know anymore is; why. Before you are ready to let go. ~~~
Song of the day~ Pimeä Onni by Jippu & Samuli Edelman