Body without sound – mind without body

Once upon a time, there was a world. Beautiful world, with the most shimmering days and the most adorable nights. Both of them living together, in a perfect harmony. Sky was blue and clear, and colourful birds flied through the warm summer wind. But this story is just an illusion. Hallucination made by other people. That the world would be, such a beautiful place. And life would be, such a beautiful thing.

Let me tell you another story. Little more true like, than the first one.
It is a little story about a boy. Boy with fears. Boy, whose only friend, in this whole world, was his badly cracked mind. And a little soft toy polar bear.

This isn’t like the other stories you may have heard when you was a little child. This story will not end happily and people in it, won’t live happily ever after. It isn’t just like any story; it is a story about the true world. True and cold, toxic world.

So let me start;


“Mirror, mirror on the wall. Tell me, who in the land is prettiest of all.” the boy keeps asking for the magic mirror on his wall.
“Not certainly you. How you could even keep such a thought into your mind. Well look at yourself.” the mirror answered and laughed every time.

He was only a ghost of that what he was once. Happy, daring, fearless, healthy. Free and full of life. Then everything shattered in a little moment of time. All that happiness and colours ran away like that little white rabbit in the Alice in Wonderland. “Hurry, hurry, i’m already late.” Yes, already.

The boy started to sank into those toxic thoughts which his, now so weak mind, keeps sending to him. The boy was only age of 11 at that time.


He stands in front of the mirror again. Hitting it, screaming at it, watching himself through it and try to understand and find those things, which only others could see.
“I don’t see it! Why I can not see it! Oh God please! I do not want this...! I do not want this…” he keeps screaming. He wanted to be healthy so badly. But the thought of perfection got him big time.

He got the control. He at last, got the good feeling. But it wasn’t enough. Every gaze towards the mirror reminded him to all those words and all those abuses during in his life.
Abuse – such a difficult word. Verbal and physical, both of them equally bad and scaring.

Suddenly he remembered again that pain of every single punch, how every single slap hit on his face and all those unwanted touches. He started to feel sick. “What I have done. So many questions and not those so needed answers.” He just wanted to forget everything. All days felt like unreal pain which just won’t go away no matter how much you cry and try to forget.Only thing he wanted to do, was to go to sleep, hug his polar bear and dream of that there really is something better.


New day. The sun shines and birds sing. The boy, after these many many years, got this same blank gaze in his eyes like back then. He couldn't see the sun, not the birds. Just only the black walls around him. He hasn’t seen anyone in couple of months.

Every night he cried himself to sleep. He couldn’t take all that pain anymore. He had to figure out the way to let it out. And one evening he did.

Once the boy was alone at home. He cried again. He went to the kitchen and saw a knife middle of the kitchen table. He remember one article which he was read long time ago. He remembered how he was laughed at it. “How someone could do such a thing?” he had asked form himself.

He took the knife and went quickly into his room. Placed the knife on his bed and sat next to it.
“I can’t. This is crazy. I’m really become insane.” he muttered to himself distressfully. Tear slowly appears corner of his eye. Like into slow motions in movies, he took the knife. He placed it on his arm and his whole body started to shake. Boy moved the knife, back and froth on his arm. It didn’t felt so bad.

The first cut – the pain was something so horrible and unbearable. The second cut, the third cut – pain was much lighter now. Blood started to run out. Soon his hands were covered of blood and after a while it started to drop also on the bedroom’s floor. He felt peace. Tears stopped falling. First time in his life he could felt ultimate calmness. All most like in heaven. Peace, without tears. 

“This is just wrong”, words in his head kept telling him. He felt huge shame. But still, after all that shame, he carries on. Because, it was the first time in the boy's life, when he had felt like a living human begin.


New day rising. The sun shines and birds sing. The boy sitting into his room again. Middle of those deep black walls. He still got that little polar bear. It was sat on his bed whole this time.

All over his walls are his stunning paintings. His eyes looked as blank as the last time. Or even grey and dead. His bare arms showed all those scares on his pale skin. He wasn’t been out in two years. 

His passion of art has grown during the time inside. He, some time ago, was so proud of his passion. But now it’s only a crushed dream. His hope was all gone. Even he still somehow got the spark of will in his heart.


Fear of loneliness. Fear of become abandoned. Fear of other people. Fear of company. Fear of touch. Fear of your own reflection. Fear of yourself. How much can one little soul can take and handle? How much pain and suffer it has to carry?

After all the suffer. After all that pain. The boy was truly ready. Ready to give up. Ready to surrender fully to the demon. The boy knew exactly what to do. With a pen and piece of paper, which he found in his room, he tried to put on words of all that, what he couldn’t just say a loud;

“I know that things I have done were wrong. I know the thing I’m gonna do, will be wrong.
I apologize and want to say, for all of you. That this was my, and only my fault, that my life ended up to this kind of situation. I’m so sorry ... of everything.” He left the note on his desk.

He went to the medicine cabinet and took everything which was in it. He clear whole house from his stuff and put them into one box, which he sealed carefully. He deleted all the files from his laptop. And then he found his way to his dad’s wine collection. One bottle of his dad’s favourite wine. Now he was ready to go. He was cleaned his room and left his keys on the kitchen’s table. The final touch, what he did, was that he broke the magic mirror into his room. "No more you!"
Then, the door closed right after him.


He walked and walked. Cried and walked some more. He knew exactly where he was going. Where exactly he will do it.
He walked towards the huge cliff, which have always been his secret hiding place. He was the only one who knew that place. Every time he felt sad he could go there to think everything over and enjoy the beautiful silence and peace. This time it just would be his final resting place. No-one wouldn’t find him here. Ever.

He sat down, looked down and then looked around. “World can be so beautiful, when it wants to be, but only for few people. And some of us feel only like they would be monsters in the middle of other people. World can be so cruel place.”
He opened his bag and took everything outt. The knife, drugs, the bottle of his dad’s wine, and placed them on the ground.

The boy started to wonder. What if someone will find him? What kind his funerals would be. How the organ would play and how guests would whisper their Good byes. How beautiful his coffin would be and how peacefully those lilies would rest on top of it, he so much liked. How sad everyone would be. Or?

He though his life while he opened the bottle. What it have been so far. All those times when he tried to make everything ok, but badly failed. All those times when everything were almost ok, but only that everything could start to go just wrong again and even more worse. He though the time when all this started. He couldn’t remember it. So long he was suffered, that time seems only some sort of uncertain term.

It started to rain. He had drunk half of the wine. He opened the case where all the drugs were. Pill by pill he took all of them. After few minutes he started to feel weird. Unexplainable pain all over his body. He started to shake and breathe fast and heavily. Everything starts to look foggy. 

He standed up and took the knife, but suddenly his legs stopped function and he fell over. Knife slipped of his hand and fell down the cliff. The pain was dreadful. He couldn’t imagine that it would be like this. Even crying was painful and tears dropped to the ground from his eyes and blended into the rain.

After an hour he still lay there. Unable to move. Unable to speak. Unable to took his actions back. He realized now how wrong he had been. He had been wrong all the time.


Life wasn’t like in the end of Alice in Wonderland after all, wasn’t it? More like a messy destruction yard, with all trashes on top of your chest that you can not breathe any longer.

The boy’s pain did end. No-one ever found him. And people still searching for him even today.
The story reached its terrible ending. Only thing which left from him was the knife which covered of sand.

There is also another kind of ending. Do you wanna read it? I know you do, so go ahead.


After all that suffer. After all that pain. The boy was truly ready. Ready to give up. Ready to surrender to the demon. He was writing his letter with falling tears. He placed it on his desk, left his keys and went out the door, with the thought, that he’s never gonna come back.

While he walked, he thought about the moment he stole the pills from the medicine cabinet, took the knife from the kitchen's table and grabbed the wine bottle from his dad’s wine collection. He thought about the letter and the moment when his love ones would find it and read it. Tears with his eyes he drank little more and kept walking.

When he started to reach the cliff he saw something strange. A girl, from his old school, sat on the cliff. Boy ran all way to the peak and sat next to the girl, who cries and stares down.

“You have the same thoughts than I have right?” boy asked calmly.
“Same? What you mean?” girl asked little shock on her face.
Boy looked down with sad eyes.
“No… You really can not be serious? I really hope you … would just lie and kidding.” girl watched the boy with tears in her eyes.
“What you mean?” boy asked confused.
“I saw it from you. All that time when we were on the same school. I came here because I found the letter...”
“The letter?” boy asked scared.
“Yes. I went to your house earlier today. I wanted to talk to you, but you weren’t there. Door was open so I went in. I went to your room and saw the letter on you desk… I … I came here to stop you. Be-because I love you.”

Boy started to cry and completely collapsed.
“What did you say?”
“I love you. Always has. And I wanted to stop you. I know you would come here. You always do when you feel down. Your secret hiding place right? So... I ran here right after I had read your … letter. I scared I will be badly late.”
“I don’t understand now... How you knew and why...” boy looked even more confused and tried to stammer some words out of his mouth.
“You remember all those little notes at school which you always found in you locker? They were from me. I sent them. All of them. And how about all those words I tried mumbled to you when you walk by? I tried to tell you. I really did. I just scared… too much.”
“Please stop…” boy interrupted girl’s words. “I love you too. Thank you for telling me this.” boy collapsed again. “I’m sorry that I didn’t realize earlier. I’m so sorry...”
Girl took boys hand and kissed it. She took his bag and looked inside.
“You seriously would done it right…?” girl asked quietly.
“…. I almost did it. Yes. I’m so sorry… I have been such a idiot… I just couldn’t take this anymore… and...”
“shhhh… I promised to take care of you now.”
“I don’t wanna go back there. I won’t go back…”

Boy never went back to the house. He moved out of the city and starts the whole new life without the ghosts and shadows from the past. Those two souls finally found their place in this world and showed to everyone how no-one can not live alone.

I will take the second one.
Now you can decide which end sounds best for you. It’s all up to you now…

                                                                   the end …

**I will fix the mistakes later.**

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